Quote:
Originally Posted by DFB FGXR6
Found out today that my father has colon cancer.
He has probably seen doctors over the last few months than he has in his entire life, in other words he hates doctors and will faint at the sight of a needle. So, I'm proud of his bravery.
I'm both upset and unsurprised at the same time. He's been unwell for a while, doing his best to hide it from me. He normally doesn't like to talk about this sort of thing, which has sort of stopped me from asking questions. He went into hospital this Monday to have it removed, apparently, it's been caught early before and may not require chemo. I took today off, the week has been stressful, and I wanted to be available to pick him up from hospital without having to worry about getting back to selling someone another bloody pot plant. He's been my rock and taken me to countless appointments and procedures as I chased my own health issues, I had to be there for him.
I think a combination of having my head in the sand and those around me not speaking about it led to only discovering the truth this morning. Originally, I was told they were removing some non-cancerous lumps, so I guess I left it at that. I feel like a horrible son, I should have asked, should have talked more. I feel ashamed of myself for not being more present, despite being a chin-up sort of man, he would have been terrified. I feel like I have failed him.
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I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and his situation, we went through something similar with Mum.
As said, don't beat yourself up about it. If someone elects to hide the truth or hide what's going on, there isn't much you can do about it. And people with this mindset can do a damn good job of hiding things. Poking and prodding for information will often lead them to pulling further back into their shell.
In the case of Mum she felt unwell inside for months. At least 6 months, possibly up to 8 at least. At the point she decided to confront it, because at that point it was unavoidable, and seek a diagnosis it was too late and she was gone very quickly after that.
After her passing I found that she'd been researching cancer symptoms going back at least 6 to 7 months. I found it all in her browser history (bloody internet remembers everything aye...) And I remember her going to the doctor and complaining he wouldn't give her the blood test she wanted. I told her to go back in and demand it, which she did, but never went back for the results.
I found out later he never did offer a test because she never discussed all the symptoms and it didn't warrant a test. She wanted him to guess by only offering half the information. It was famously her MO.
I don't mean to sound callous when I say this, but I don't know if its pride, stupidity or indifference that make people behave this way. Part of family is having a support mechanism to help you through the tough times, but why choose to ignore that I'll never know.
And I say all of this from the perspective that I was living full time with Mum and Dad at that stage and I saw absolutely nothing to warrant concern. Nor did Mum ever let anything on. In fact she looked perfectly 110% healthy up until about a week and a half before her passing. And she was working full time as a personal carer in a high care ward 6 weeks prior to her passing and not even her work colleagues suspected anything.
Again not wanting to sound callous, but I look at it from the perspective that our parents have failed us in this situation. By behaving they way they have they have left us mentally worse for wear. And I don't use this as some excuse to shift guilt or to make myself feel better. But simply they have failed to allow us to offer the support and help to people who we love, in whatever shape or form that help is. They have failed to allow a loving family unit to act as a loving family unit...
So again, don't beat yourself up or feel like a failure for something that was hidden from you. You seem to be blaming yourself for something outside of your control... So don't, because you can't.
But now that you do know, just be there for him in whatever way most suits his personality and your relationship. By the sounds if it he's a relatively private and independent bloke who doesn't like to be fawned over. So it might just be jokes and laughs, checkins to see how he's going, help out with some chores while he recovers, do some legwork on his behalf and the occasional chauffeuring him around. Take some pressure off him to make it easier for him, without removing everything he does to make him feel like a burden... Which obviously is what he was trying to avoid in the first place.
I'm just happy to hear your Dad has decided to confront it head on and the prognosis is good. He's given himself the best possible chance. But at the same you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that something might change, but completely avoid thinking of all the permutations and possibilities. Don't get in your head and get all twisted over something that hasn't happened, forget whats transpired and live in the moment and for the future.
Maybe also have a chat to your Dad about your feelings when the time is right. Remind him that family and support should always be a 2 way street and secrecy doesn't do either side any good.
P.S. You might read some of that and think "he's obviously quite angry with his mother"... And yes I am. 3 years down the track now and I'm still ****ed at her and probably will be for many more years.
Cancer is an insidious disease and basically the number 1 reason why I fully believe there is no benevolent God looking over us.
But I write this to say you are not alone in your feelings. Others have been there before you and gotten through it... And sadly there will be others suffering the same fate in our wake. But you will get through it, just don't blame yourself!