First of all, thank you to all that responded, it means more than you realize.
Quote:
Originally Posted by arm79
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and his situation, we went through something similar with Mum.
In the case of Mum she felt unwell inside for months. At least 6 months, possibly up to 8 at least. At the point she decided to confront it, because at that point it was unavoidable, and seek a diagnosis it was too late and she was gone very quickly after that.
After her passing I found that she'd been researching cancer symptoms going back at least 6 to 7 months. I found it all in her browser history (bloody internet remembers everything aye...) And I remember her going to the doctor and complaining he wouldn't give her the blood test she wanted. I told her to go back in and demand it, which she did, but never went back for the results.
I found out later he never did offer a test because she never discussed all the symptoms and it didn't warrant a test. She wanted him to guess by only offering half the information. It was famously her MO.
I don't mean to sound callous when I say this, but I don't know if its pride, stupidity or indifference that make people behave this way. Part of family is having a support mechanism to help you through the tough times, but why choose to ignore that I'll never know.
And I say all of this from the perspective that I was living full time with Mum and Dad at that stage and I saw absolutely nothing to warrant concern. Nor did Mum ever let anything on. In fact she looked perfectly 110% healthy up until about a week and a half before her passing. And she was working full time as a personal carer in a high care ward 6 weeks prior to her passing and not even her work colleagues suspected anything.
Again not wanting to sound callous, but I look at it from the perspective that our parents have failed us in this situation. By behaving they way they have they have left us mentally worse for wear. And I don't use this as some excuse to shift guilt or to make myself feel better. But simply they have failed to allow us to offer the support and help to people who we love, in whatever shape or form that help is. They have failed to allow a loving family unit to act as a loving family unit...
But now that you do know, just be there for him in whatever way most suits his personality and your relationship. By the sounds if it he's a relatively private and independent bloke who doesn't like to be fawned over. So it might just be jokes and laughs, checkins to see how he's going, help out with some chores while he recovers, do some legwork on his behalf and the occasional chauffeuring him around. Take some pressure off him to make it easier for him, without removing everything he does to make him feel like a burden... Which obviously is what he was trying to avoid in the first place.
I'm just happy to hear your Dad has decided to confront it head on and the prognosis is good. He's given himself the best possible chance. But at the same you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that something might change, but completely avoid thinking of all the permutations and possibilities. Don't get in your head and get all twisted over something that hasn't happened, forget whats transpired and live in the moment and for the future.
P.S. You might read some of that and think "he's obviously quite angry with his mother"... And yes I am. 3 years down the track now and I'm still ****ed at her and probably will be for many more years.
Cancer is an insidious disease and basically the number 1 reason why I fully believe there is no benevolent God looking over us.
But I write this to say you are not alone in your feelings. Others have been there before you and gotten through it... And sadly there will be others suffering the same fate in our wake. But you will get through it, just don't blame yourself!
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Thank you for your words, they carry a lot of weight.
Your mother sounds like mine, ignoring the obvious and unwilling to allow others to help. And when confronted with reality, its a case of lies, lies, lies. I guess they both had/have their reasons, sometimes those reasons we don't agree with. As callous as it will sound, sometimes being p...ed off with someone as close as a parent is warranted, and allowed. Just because they are your parent doesn't mean you have to be happy with or accept bad or questionable behavior. I say that not to be nasty or callous, but sometimes it's just pure reality.
If this happened a couple of years ago, I would be completely riddled with anxiety of what might lay ahead, or may not. While I have always been a worrier, just like my mother, I've gotten better at letting things just happen rather than wasting so much energy worried and anxious. I still haven't mastered the worrying about the past though.
Mum is not a confident driver anymore, and I don't trust her driving to be honest. As such, I have made a point to be the driver as much as possible. There have been a few hospital visits over the last couple of months, so the signs were there, I just put my head in the sand. I have a lot of leave owing, so family first will be my situation going forward.
Again, thanks for taking the time to respond, it means a lot.