[Cav]

My hair is grey and I have a caravan.

I bin around this planet for 70 years so let me give youse dumb ugly young whippersnappers some knowledge.

I paid 17% interest on my home loan, so don't tell me how tough youse blokes have it nowadays.

As regards the highways and byways, I believe I am a safe driver, I have to be because my cataracts have severely restricted my vision.

My wife compensates for my condition by continually calling "LOOKOUT!" when all those other idiots on the road don't look where they are going.

Her yelling out so much does get tiring so I take out my hearing aids so she doesn't disturb my lack of concentration. She became wise to this so now I merely turn down the volume, but that means I can't hear that good ole country music on the wireless.

I am not a risk taker, I know how to manage risk. For example, I know I am nearly blind so I compensate by driving at 80kmh out on the highway. On places like the Newell where the speed limit is 110, I travel at 90 so as not to hold up the truckies too much. As you can see I am very considerate of other road users.

I know they really appreciate my gesture because when they overtake me they toot their horns as a thank you. Some of them even cut back in pretty close to my front bumper so that I can slipstream them for a few metres thereby saving some fuel.

I also try to drive to the road conditions because this is what the boys in blue tell us to do. On winding roads, I sometimes drop down to 60 especially if it is hilly, and then when we get to double lanes it is a signal to me that the road ahead is straight so I speed up to 90 and even 100 so I don't inconvenience the long line of patient motorists travelling behind me.

I have made a few modifications to my tow vehicle. One day I nearly hit a horse on the Brungle road just out of Gundagai. It was nearly dark so my lights on low beam didn't pick the horse up until the last moment. Luckily I was not towing the caravan at the time, but because the road was winding I was only travelling at about 80. And let me tell you about another problem. When you have as stream of cars behind you it is often hard to see the road ahead due to the dazzling effect those car headlights behind you have. Don't they know I can hardly see even in good sunlight? Oh, I forgot to mention that I also suffer from Adie's tonic pupil where one eye doesn't react to light properly.

What I did as a result of that near collision was to raise the height of my lights on low beam. That way I can easily see an animal on the road 100 metres ahead even though I am on low beam.

A tip to help fellow road users is to flash your lights at them when you see something on their side of the road. Be aware though that there are many false alarms out there. What is wrong with some idiot drivers out there? Next time they flash their lights at me warning of something on the road I may not slow down and that way I may have a serious accident and harm the local wildlife. Poor things. Why don't people have consideration for wild animals on the road? Plus I reckon all those motorists flashing at me is the cause of my Adie's tonic pupil. Bastards.

Anyhow, I don't want this to be a dissertation on my myriad of medical malaises so I'll close now and see youse all on the road although youse will probably see me first.